Regardless of how long you’ve been married to your spouse, when facing divorce, it’s often difficult to believe that’s the person you ever married in the first place. While a marriage ending is cumbersome all on its own, divorcing a narcissist can seem like a nightmare.
While it may seem like that person you once loved has changed for the worse over the years, in reality they probably haven’t changed at all if they are a narcissist.
Behavior that you once tolerated is just now taking it’s toll on you after years of brushing their personality disorder under the rug. But it’s not your fault. Many people have fallen victim in similar marriages and now they just want out.
So if the time has come and you just want to be divorced, it’s important to know a few things and take steps in preparation for divorcing a narcissist.
To help, are 7 helpful tips to consider when divorcing a narcissist.
1 – Determine if You are Actually Dealing with a Narcissist
According Mayo Clinic, narcissistic personality disorder is, “a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.”
With that being said, your spouse may be self-centered, mean or downright selfish. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that he or she is a narcissist. People with narcissistic tendencies lack empathy for others and take little to no responsibly for their actions. If you notice this in your spouse, then you may be dealing with a narcissist.
If so, expect him or her to make the divorce process increasingly more difficult than it should be. For instance, don’t expect them to care about your feelings or how you came to the conclusion of divorce. Similarly, expect him or her to take no blame in the state of your marriage. Moreover, they may even try to point all of the blame on you.
If children are involved, you can also expect little, to no help from them in terms of co-parenting. The important thing when divorcing a narcissist is to understand the behavior of the person you are dealing with. Try not to be surprised by their lack of empathy for you or others. Rather, try to best prepare yourself for what’s to follow in your divorce.
2 – Begin Preparing Prior to Filing for Divorce
Before actually filing for divorce, you want to prepare yourself. Start by creating a file with all relevant documents that are going to be needed in your divorce proceedings.
This may include items such as:
- Bank statements
- Documents related to your home or real estate
- Vehicle registration information
- Tax returns
- Insurance paperwork
It’s difficult to say how exactly your spouse will react to the news of wanting a divorce, but don’t expect their reaction to be rationale. Remember, you are dealing with someone who always feels the need to “win” and may even try to take this approach in your divorce.
The best thing you can do is prepare yourself with any paperwork that is going to help your case later, particularly when trying to keep assets from the divorce.
3 – Hire a Strong Divorce Lawyer
Once you’ve prepared yourself for your divorce, the next thing to do is hire the best divorce lawyer possible to represent you. A strong divorce lawyer is going to help you navigate the complexity of your divorce and help explain your rights to give you the chance at a positive outcome in your case.
When divorcing a narcissist, he or she may try to intimidate you and make threats that make it seem like they have the upper hand. Don’t fall for this. Rather, speak with your attorney to come up with a strategy on how best to approach each situation you encounter.
Someone with narcissistic tendencies is not the least interested in your well-being. They are concerned about themselves first and foremost. So making you feel like you’re at a disadvantage or that you will not come out on top is something you can expect him or her to try to do.
4 – Consider Speaking with a Therapist
A spouse who is narcissistic is going to make you feel like the bad guy. They may even make you question your decision, to the point you feel crazy or that you’re making a huge mistake. Because of this, it’s a good idea to speak with a counselor or therapist who can help rationalize your thoughts. A therapist can also sympathize and empathize with what you are going through.
Many therapists will even offer suggestions and proven tactics to effectively communicate with a spouse of this type of irrational behavior.
5 – Choose Your Battles Wisely
Remember, you are dealing with someone who thinks they are always right for the most part. You’ll likely face a number of arguments throughout your divorce. But if you try to win every fight, you will become emotionally and mentally exhausted.
No, you don’t want to just let your spouse win, but choose carefully about which fights are worth the heartache and frustration. If there are some arguments that you can live with your spouse winning, then let them. You’ll be more sane as a result.
If he or she tries to pick a fight with you, first try to determine if it is worth arguing over. If it’s not, then let it go. However, if it is something that will affect the outcome of your divorce, then that is something you’ll want to address and take to your attorney on how best to handle.
6 – Get Everything in Writing
People who are narcissistic have no problem lying to get their way or to spin the truth. They may even try to do this in a court of law. Remember, they generally have no empathy for others, nor assume responsibly for their actions.
Throughout your divorce proceedings, you’ll want to be sure to get all agreements regarding child custody, asset division and anything else pertaining to the divorce in writing. Your divorce attorney can help with this.
7 – Don’t Be Too Hard on Yourself
When you look back on your marriage, you may wonder how you ever married this person in the first place. Try to not to beat yourself up about it. It’s not your fault and you can’t control the person you married.
It may have taken years to realize that this is just how this person is and that they will never change. He or she may even try to make you believe that everything has failed because of you. It hasn’t.
It’s better now that you’ve made the decision to move forward than continuing to be in a marriage with someone that doesn’t truly care about you or your well-being.
To help cope throughout the divorce, try to do things to help yourself. Get plenty of rest, try going on walks or talking with a close fried who does truly care about you.
In end, your life will be better as a result. You’ll likely even gain a new sense of happiness that you hadn’t experienced before.
Need Help Divorcing a Narcissist?
Above all, remember that there is help available and that you’re not alone. We have helped many people facing this very situation. In doing so, many of these people have experienced positive outcomes, all while improving their overall well-being.
If you need help divorcing a narcissist, we encourage you to contact us. We can guide you through this difficult time with the compassion and sympathy that you deserve in a time like this.
