Managing a Divorce with a High Conflict Personality
Individuals with High Conflict Personalities can make maintaining a close relationship extremely difficult; and although it’s fairly common to know an individual, or even multiple individuals, with a High Conflict Personality, spotting them usually takes some time.
Not sure if your spouse is a High Conflict Personality?
Here are the 4 Behavioral Traits that these individuals will exhibit:
1 – Blaming Others
High Conflict Personalities typically won’t accept any blame. Instead they assume the mentality that nothing is ever their fault. If you’re married to a High Conflict Individual, this might look like 100% of the blame being pushed onto you consistently.
2 – All-or-Nothing Thinking
This mentality is characterized by the idea that there’s little to no room for compromise. Everything is black and white – all good vs. all bad. Oftentimes, this will play into their ability to compromise in solutions or problem solving with you: they believe their way is correct and your idea won’t be considered.
3 – Unmanaged/Intense Emotions
This will typically look like erratic behavior. Individuals with High Conflict Personalities have a tendency to switch into an extreme emotion out of nowhere. This could look like an unforeseen fit of anger or them bursting into tears.
4 – Extreme Behavior (and/or threats)
Bill Eddy, an expert on all things High Conflict, says these behaviors can be defined by the “90% rule”, meaning 90% of people don’t exhibit some of the behaviors that a High Conflict Personality will. If you find yourself thinking “a typical person wouldn’t do/say that” often, chances are you’re dealing with a High Conflict Personality. It’s important to also note that some of these behaviors might also be threats, which you should recognize as abusive behavior.
Are you fairly certain that you’re married to a High Conflict Personality?
If you’re considering a divorce, the process is going to be much harder than it typically would be. It’s important to factor in what you know about your partner and predict these not-so-healthy tendencies before they swallow you whole.
Here are 3 Steps that will help you manage your divorce from a High Conflict Personality:
How to Get Through the Process
1 – Have a Plan
Remember, your spouse is prone to erratic behavior, so planning out your every move will be crucial. Make sure you procure and complete all of your documentation before you proceed in telling your spouse. Once you have your paperwork completed, the obvious next step is to tell your spouse, which is potentially dangerous if you’re dealing with an abusive partner. The best way to go about informing them is to slowly hint at what’s going on so they aren’t surprised or caught-off guard when you do fully tell them.
2 – Set Boundaries
If you are dealing with an abusive spouse, the most important boundary is to set up a safe place you can go to. High Conflict Personalities can often be unpredictable, so if you believe there’s even a small chance they may become violent, make sure you have an escape route in place. Once you’ve started the process of divorcing your spouse, remember to set emotional boundaries as well. Because High Conflict Personalities don’t like to assume blame, the chances are extremely high that your spouse will try to gaslight you. Remember that your reasons are real and don’t allow your partner to get in your head.
3 – Communicate Effectively
It’s important to communicate your needs with your spouse in a healthy manner, but this can be extremely difficult with a High Conflict Personality. The best way to go about this is to speak calmly with your partner so as to not incite any conflict. Due to High Conflict Personalities’ tendencies for erratic behavior and pushing blame onto others, they may throw false accusations at you in order to blame you for a failed marriage. Unfortunately, documentation of fights such as these can be used legally in the state of Texas against you, so don’t allow their behavior to persuade you into a blowout. Rule of Thumb is to shut down any ineffective communication and resume the conversation when your spouse is able to communicate calmly.
Conclusion
The Golden Rule of Divorcing a High Conflict Personality however, is to never tell your spouse that you think they have a High Conflict Personality. This will only make their behavior towards you worse and could ultimately drag out the divorce process.
Although the process is daunting and even scary if you’re dealing with a physically abusive partner, it will all be worth it in the end to know you are in a safe and healthy space. When it’s all said and done, you’ll be proud that you trusted your better judgment and stood by your word.
Need help beginning the process? Contact us for immediate help and a consultation.