There is no doubt that it can be quite difficult for children to deal with divorcing parents. It is important to know that many families have been able to successfully make it through their divorce, while having kids that are well-adjusted. And so can you. Often times, parents find that they can positively interact with their children after the stress of living with the other spouse has been taken out of the equation.
By working together with your former spouse to be, the divorce can be made easier for your children to adjust to. Things that should be worked on together include telling your kids about the divorce and then helping answer any questions they have, while providing the necessary emotional support.
Telling your children about separation and divorce
When breaking the news to your children, expect them to be upset or confused. This is a natural response to bad news. You and your spouse should be present together when telling them about the divorce or separation. Explain to them what things will be changing and what they can expect to remain the same. You should also emphasize to them that it is not their fault. Children will sometimes believe it is because of them that parents are separating. Letting them know they are loved and being there for them emotionally can help ease the burden they may feel from this sort of announcement.
What are the impacts of divorce on children?
Even though they are not yet mentally developed enough to understand divorce, children as young as toddlers can sense tension in the home when parents separate. This undoubtedly will affect behavior in some form or fashion and may include things such being more fussy or being unable to sleep through the night at times.
Children who are 5 years of age or older may also show signs of regression. Kids in this age group may blame themselves or even break rules for attention. As children get into pre-teen and teenage years, they will sometimes blame one parent for the divorce. Likewise, they may also act out as a result of their feelings. Personalities do play a role in behavior, but these sort of actions are normal for the most part.
The best thing you can do as a parent is be reassuring to your children and provide extra attention to them during the divorce process. Try to keep things with your kids the same as before where possible or introduce new activities such as extracurricular functions or sports, as this may help them concentrate on other helpful things during this life transition.
Verywell, an online parenting resource, offers advice on how parents can help children cope with the psychological effects that divorce can have on children.
Keep children out of the conflict
As a parent, being able to minimize the divorce affecting your children means not involving them in the conflict with the other parent. Understandably, this can be difficult at times. But the best you can do is limit the following:
- arguing with the other parent in front of your children
- asking your children to choose you vs. the other parent
- talking badly about the other parent to your kids
- sharing details of the divorce or your feelings toward the other parent
- involving children in any disputes that arise with the other parent
Parents should consider that maintaining a relationship with both parents is in their children’s best interest. Unless abuse, neglect or some other serious issue is present, both parents should respect that they both deserve a relationship with their children.
Create a parenting plan
In family law, the courts will generally require a parenting plan. This spells out items such as visitation, child support and custody schedules. It also addresses shared decisions about how children will be raised. When parents are able to cooperate with one another, they can create this plan on their own. If they cannot, then the courts will make these decisions on how these items will be adhered to.
Types of Child Custody
As mentioned in our previous article on possible outcomes of a child custody case, there are 4 common types of child custody. These include:
- Sole legal custody
- Joint legal custody
- Sole physical custody, and;
- Joint physical custody
A parent with legal custody can make major decisions on their child’s behalf. These decisions include things such as where the child will live, go to school, or attend religious services. A parent who has physical custody may have their child live with them only some of the time (part-time). Or all the time (full-time).
Commonly, parents have joint custody of their children. This means that both parents will share the legal and physical custody of their kids. In some instances, only one of the parents will have sole custody of their children. This is where a parent has both legal and phsyical custody of their child.
In other cases, the parents might share legal custody, but not physical custody. This can also work the other way around.
Understanding joint and sole custody
Whenever joint physical custody is shared between parents, the child will move between homes on a schedule that is approved by the judge. However, it does not necessarily mean that time between parents is split down the middle. It could be that one parent may have their child every other week, or weekends, or on weekdays.
In the event that parents do not live near each other, such as another city, or a parent is unable to maintain joint physical custody of their child, one parent might receive visitation rights while the other parents has sole physical custody.
Sometimes parents who have joint legal custody have disagreements about how to raise their child. In these circumstances, the parenting plan should address which parent will be responsible for certain decisions pertaining to the child’s upbringing.
What about child support payments?
Often the parent who either makes more money than the other parent, or does not spend as much time with the child will owe child support. These payments are determined by the court. They are based on income of the paying parent as well expenses for the child. Sometimes these payments can be adjusted if circumstances for the paying parent change, such as the loss of a job or receiving a higher paying job.
A divorce attorney can help
Going through a divorce with children is difficult enough on it’s own. At our family law firm, we can help ease your mind, while helping you achieve the best possible outcome in your unique case. If you would like to speak with someone at our firm about your situation, we encourage you to do so. We are here for you.