Being in an abusive relationship is something no person deserves. Often in abusive relationships, no one outside of the relationship even has any clue that this is going on behind closed doors. The reason is that in many cases, it is the narcissist in the marriage or relationship that knows exactly how to hide this from the outside world, all while appearing to be a good person. “But how is this even possible,” you might ask.
The truth is, people with narcissistic tendencies are experts of manipulation and have a way of maintaining likeability to other people, while being a completely different person at home with their spouse or partner. They often wear multiple faces, depending on the social setting and who they are interacting with.
Unfortunately, often times the only person who is even aware that this person is two-faced is their partner.
Why Narcissists Are the Way they Are
Narcissists by nature have a personality disorder in which they have an inflated sense of importance about themselves and a lack of empathy for others. As a result, people with narcissistic personality disorder also have a need for constant admiration and attention. And while this person may seem confident, the truth is that this person actually has low self-esteem. And anytime that self-esteem is tampered with in any way, that is when the narcissist may begin to exercise aggression and other irrational behavior.
Some Signs of Narcissism in a Person
- Unusually high sense of self-confidence
- Willing to take advantage of others for self-gain
- Sense of entitlement
- Tends to monopolize conversions while looking down on others
- Desire for constant admiration and attention
- Belief that they are superior to others and can only associate with certain people in public
- Must be the first to have the best of material things (cars, clothes, technology, etc.)
Consequently, this manipulative and often abusive behavior manifests itself in relationships as well. People who are not narcissistic generally do have a sense of compassion and empathy towards others. Sadly, these people sometimes find themselves in a relationship or marriage with people who are narcissistic. Because of their often long standing connection with this person, the victim often feels there is nothing they can do.
So why do narcissists treat their partners this way? As awful as it sounds, it’s because they may see them not only as a threat, but someone they can control as well.
How is it the Narcissist is Still Able to Come off as Good Person to Others?
In short, the only people aware of this split personality are the people closest to the narcissist.
People with narcissistic tendencies often tend to have manipulative skills about them as part of the behavior disorder. They also have a keen sense of how to manage the way that people generally see them. In addition, narcissists have the ability to make their victims react emotionally, making them come off as unstable and as the “bad guy” from the outside looking-in perspective.
In addition, they will often give praise to their victims or partners in public, but at home, be condescending and overly critical of their spouse. To everyday people who do not know this side of the narcissist, they may seem like a nice person giving praise and admiration to their spouse in public. But the sole purposes are for self-inflation and positive public perception.
Narcissists Have a Way of Making People Trust Them
Whether it be appearance, charm or other characteristic, narcissists almost always have some trait about them that is attractive to other people. In psychology, this is known as the “halo effect.” It is where one positive impression of a person in one area (such as charm) affects the influence of people’s opinion about that person in other areas. For example, “He drives an expensive car. I’ll bet he’s smart too.”
It is these positive perception assumptions that ultimately lead people to being drawn to this person. As a result, the narcissist is able to use this to their advantage in creating false narratives. Particularly when it comes to winning battles and choosing sides.
Ultimately, the only winning sides in this sort of relationship are the narcissist themselves and their spouse or partner who leaves them. This is because narcissists must be seen as winners, despite the circumstances in their lives. Should their spouse decide to leave, the narcissist will make it seem as though he or she is not at fault.
How Do Narcissists Get Away With It?
The truth is, because they do everything within their power to make sure that they do. Even if it means hurting other people.
As an empathetic and and compassionate person in the relationship, that person may look at their spouse and say, “deep down, they’re really a good person, not a bad person.”
And this is exactly what the narcissist would want you to believe. After all, they’ve been working all this time to manipulate the entire relationship, to the point you may actually believe that you’re in the wrong. But you’re not wrong. They are.
If this sounds all too familiar, you may be a victim of narcissistic abuse.
Now is not the time to stay silent. Rather, it is a time to speak up and speak out. Let others close to you know what is going on in your life. The sooner you are able to free yourself of the destructive vortex created by narcissists, the sooner you can begin to live the purposeful life you were always meant to.
If you need help divorcing a narcissist, we can help. Please contact us to get the help you deserve.